I’m Doing Everything Right. I Still Wish I Looked Different.

I do four workouts a week—two of those with weights that challenge me. I walk daily and move a lot even when I’m not exercising. I eat plenty of protein, fiber, vegetables, and I rarely eat ultra-processed food. I get enough sleep. I’m boringly consistent.

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And yet my body still doesn't look as toned as I think it should.

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I know many fitness influencers disdain the word “toned.” I don’t. I think we all know what it means—visible muscle definition. I want to look at my body and see evidence of all the work I put into it. But I don't—at least, not as much as I think I should. And that's why I keep checking out YouTube.

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Maybe I do need to change something. Maybe I need to lift heavier. Maybe there’s an exercise I somehow missed. Maybe I need to do more high-intensity training or isometric holds. Or maybe I need more chia seeds and tofu in my diet (I doubt this).

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The maybes are endless, but the annoying thing is that every time I seriously investigate what I could do, I come to essentially the same conclusion: I'm not doing anything obviously wrong.

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That isn’t as reassuring as it sounds, because if I'm doing something wrong, I can fix it. What's harder to accept is the possibility that I'm doing things mostly right—and I still don't look the way I think someone who exercises as much as I do should look. To be utterly frank here, I don’t think that I look like a fitness coach is supposed to (whatever that means).

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Ugh.

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This is especially ridiculous because I don't believe appearance is the best measure of fitness. I would never look at one of my clients and decide whether her program was working based on whether I could see enough definition in her arms. And yet apparently there is a tiny, deeply irritating corner of my brain that looks at my body and says: Wonderful—you can carry groceries for blocks, help move a bookcase, and walk uphill without breaking a sweat. But where are your shoulders?

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I know I'm not the only one doing this, because I hear women complain that they walk every day—yet still have cellulite on their thighs. Or they eat extremely well but still carry more fat around their middle than they'd like.

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You could be stronger and fitter than you were ten years ago—like me!—and somehow the mirror still manages to convince you that you're doing something wrong. Since I'm not planning to get rid of every reflective surface in my home, what can I do?

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I don't think there's any shame in wanting to look good and to have visible muscle, but I do need to be careful about what I make it mean. I wish my body looked different isn’t the same as I'm doing something wrong. That's the distinction I keep losing when I fall down the YouTube rabbit hole.

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We influence our bodies enormously through what we do, but we don't have complete control over what they look like. Genetics, fat distribution, muscle shape, hormones, and aging all play roles in that. Two women can follow similar exercise and eating programs and still end up looking very different.

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I tell my clients this all the time. Apparently knowing something and believing it when I'm standing in front of the mirror are two different skills.

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Knowing me, I'll still probably click another YouTube video promising to reveal the one thing women over 40 are doing wrong. I’ll also watch anything that teases longevity. But I’m trying to get better at noticing when my curiosity turns into looking for proof that I’m doing something wrong.

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This seems completely unrelated and it kinda is…

...but since I’m sharing things that have been bothering me lately, here’s something else: chocolate.

Specifically, Endangered Species 88% dark chocolate.

It was my favorite after-dinner treat and I used to recommend it ALL the time. It was incredibly smooth and creamy for such a dark chocolate (or really for any chocolate), with subtle cinnamon and coconut flavors. Then they changed it. Why, Endangered Species? WHY?

I’ve tried: Hu Simple Dark Chocolate, Trader Joe’s Pound Plus Dark Chocolate and their Dark Chocolate Lover, Tony’s Chocolonely Dark Chocolate, and Tcho Holy Fudge. They’re all fine, but basically meh in comparison to the old Endangered Species.

So I'm taking recommendations. I want 70%+ cacao, smooth rather than fruity or sharp, and preferably something I can actually find without embarking on a chocolate pilgrimage.

Have a favorite? Send it my way. My after-dinner chocolate situation needs help.

Want me to handle the workout part?

One thing I don't question is whether getting stronger is worth doing. Whatever the mirror happens to say, I know I'm stronger than I used to be.

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That's why I created the Wonderfulness Workouts. Four times a week, I plan the workout, we meet on Zoom, and for 30 minutes you don't have to figure out what exercises to do, how many reps to do, or whether you've put together a “perfect” program.

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You just show up and get stronger.

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If that sounds like a relief, come join us in The Wonderfulness Community.​

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